What Do Musical Tastes Say About A Girl?
Beyoncé / Britney Spears: Urban, professional 20-something women who belong to expensive gyms and have a “workout playlist” on their iPhones.
Lady Gaga: College girls who wear sloppily applied eye makeup on purpose, unrealistically hopeful NYU theater majors.
Katy Perry: Conservatively raised teenage girls who want one of their parents to get annoyed at the lyrics to “I Kissed A Girl.”
Fergie: Women who watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” because they can, like, relate, not because it’s a trainwreck.
Miley Cyrus: Do people actually listen to her music? [Yes.—Editor]
Ani DiFranco: Women who feel too much, write angry letters to their Congressmen, kiss girls.
Tori Amos: Women who feel too much, play piano, hate their stepfathers.
Fiona Apple: Angry girls and the emo men who love them.
Adele: Women with messy personal lives.
Amy Winehouse: Women with even messier personal lives.
Rilo Kiley: Women who need a prescription for Lexapro ASAP.
Alanis Morrisette: Women who are cool beans so long as they remember to take their Lexapro regularly.
Pink: Women who’ve discovered the effects of their Lexapro are rendered obsolete by the amount of alcohol they consume.
Kelly Clarkson: “Nice girls” who deal with feelings of rejection and bitterness through listening to pop music.
Lily Allen: Trustafarians, proud sluts, girls who just don’t give a f**k.
Bikini Kill / Le Tigre: Women who bought tickets to their campus production of “The Vagina Monologues.”
Regina Spektor: Boring women who fancy themselves “quirky.”
Ben Folds: Boring men who fancy themselves “quirky.”
Feist: Pale, urban women with bangs who wear owl-shaped jewelry they bought on Etsy.
Sinead O’Connor: Women who shaved their head once during a “phase.”
Sheryl Crow: Suburban moms who work at the front desk in doctors’ offices. Also, dental assistants.
Sara Bareilles: Women who’ve never heard of Nina Simone or Etta James.
Duffy: People who purchase their music exclusively at Starbucks.
Enya: Women who have “spells.”
M.I.A.: People who think of themselves as “cultured” because they listen to a Sri Lankan rapper.
Taylor Swift: Northeasterners who think of themselves as “cultured” because they listen to “country music.”
Nina Simone: White people who fancy themselves connoisseurs of jazz music because they own one of her albums. (This description does not apply if you own more than one album.)
U2: Free-spirited souls who strangely have no qualms spending $300 on concert tickets through Ticketmaster.
Modest Mouse: People who’ve taken shrooms.
Girl Talk: Any hipsters you want to smack upside the head for being posers.
Sufijan Stevens: Any hipster you want to smack upside the head for being a poser but who actually has good musical taste.
Kanye West: Adolescent boys in the suburbs who “mix beats” in their bedroom and think they’ll have a career being a producer.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Women for whom the most interesting thing about them is their hairstyle/bright red lipstick/shoes.
Weezer: People who take cigarette breaks.
Dave Matthews Band: Teenage girls who know exactly which one of his songs they want to lose their virginity to.
John Mayer: Teenage girls who regret losing their virginity to a guy after he played her “Comfortable” on his acoustic guitar.
Justin Timberlake: Straight men who wear fragrances, women who shop at Bebe and/or wear thigh-highs.
Kelis: Men with unrealistic expectations about the sex drives of 99 percent of women.
Adam Lambert: Ex-Clay Aiken fans who were pissed it took him so long to come out.
The “Rent” soundtrack: High school-aged male/female theater geeks who are confused about their sexuality.
The “Chicago” soundtrack: Straight, female post-collegiate theater geeks who work in retail and resent Ashlee Simpson.
Vampire Weekend: Your absolutely insufferable summer intern who only got the internship because his dad plays golf with your CEO.
Damien Rice: People who revel in long, protracted periods of mulling in emotional agony.
Elliott Smith: Depressed people who switch to listening to Neil Young once they start feeling better.
Rufus Wainwright: People with a high threshold for melodic whining.
She & Him: People with a high threshold for melodic squeaking.
Ted Leo & The Pharmacists: People whose musical tastes you should actually trust.
